this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
