Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Houston, we have a squirter
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
