here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
