Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
