I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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