I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
