i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
