Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
