This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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