rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
