Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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