im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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