Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
