Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
