he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
