Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
