Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We have so much sex to catch up on
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
