I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
