I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
