Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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