For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
