were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
