Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My ATM looks so different sober.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
