Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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