Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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