i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
