these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
