I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
