my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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