Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
