When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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