Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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