just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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