My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
