Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
