Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
