i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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