proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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