god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
