Did you just see the Batmobile???
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
