apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
