yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
