When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Randomize
