i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
