I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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