i jhust puked up my retainher.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
