need another drink. this is the easiest way
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
