Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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