Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
