If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
