At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
