if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
